Mommy’s Escape 6.0

{January 9, 2009}   Spin Cycle Fridays: Guilt

I don’t know what Jen was thinking about when she decided on the topic of Guilt for her weekly Spin Cyclesessions. Maybe she wanted to see who actually had more guilt, the Catholics or the Jews (nothing negative here so please do not be offended – just making a play on words that I hear all the time “I have jewish guilt” or “I have Catholic guilt” when in the end, it is your guilt, nobody else’s mkay?)

Anywhoo…maybe it is trying to find out who has crimes in their closet that they are just aching to release and wait for the cops to come and lock ’em up!! I don’t know – whatever it is though, this will be interesting. (Maybe not my post but I know someone else’s might be – not going to point fingers to anyone here)

Okay, so on with the point – what am I guilty of or what do I have guilt for?

Honestly, I don’t know – shocking because I beat myself up all the time about things that I wish I could do better and things I wish I didn’t do but to pin-point something is hard.

One thing I will do is say that I am guilty of not being fully open with everyone about my past. I am not ashamed of it at all and I am not afraid to talk about it when people wonder why I do not have a relationship with my mother and sister and well, that whole side of the family or my dad’s mom and his side of the family for that matter either. (I do occasionally talk to my dad and frequently with my older brother from my dad’s first marriage). So right here and right now I am going to stop it… I am going to tell you everything…(well, maybe not everything, that would be a novel in it’s own so I will summarize)

When I was 17, my step-father raped me. My mother stood by his side and did not leave him. She turned her back away from me and my sister and everyone else on that side stood behind my mother’s decision.

(In response to Jen’s comment below – he was arrested and released on bond. When we went to court nothing h appened except 3 years probation because he plead no contest and DCF took too long to take me to the rape treatment center that by the time they did, there was no evidence – they didn’t take me until 2 weeks after it happened and by that time I had taken a shower many times.  No sexual predator reporting require – sucks huh?)

My father wanted to take me to live with him in the Keys but I was with my boyfirned (current husband) and I didn’t want to run away from everything I knew. I was in my last year of highschool and i was working and didn’t want to stop my life for what happened. I didn’t want to be the victim all my life. So my dad said okay and said I could live with my brother until the courts decided what would happen. Well, courts gave my dad full custody of me but appointed his aunt as my guardian so I can finish school.

Well, my dad’s side of the family (not my dad) is very Catholic and did not believe in the whole dating thing and working and stuff – very strict so when I was spending y time at my boyfriend (now husband) house, the hated it and called me all kinds of names, etc.  It didn’t help that I got pregnant and had a miscarriage 2 days before I turned 18. It would have been a boy but unfortunately God chose to take him instead. This event psarked a fire between my dad’s family and my now mother-in-law because she and my now husband did everythign for me, bought me clothes, school supplies, drove me where I needed to go instead of my family (that is Catholic for ya huh?). All this happened at the hospital in the hall way! Needless to say, I did no t return to my family’s house that night, from then on I lived with my husband. The day after I turned 18 I dropped-out of high school, I took my GED exam and did so well on it that they awarded me an actual high school diploma.

I began working hard and 11 months later Princess was born. My life continued on happily until I got pregnant with Angel Eyes. My mother attempted to contact me and so for the sake of my kids, I thought that I could try and have her be a part of their lives so I allowed her to see the kids and spend time with us – she didn’t like the fact that I couldn’t have her at our house when my MIL was home because let’s face it, if my MIL ever saw my mom, she would claw her eyes out and call her every name in the book! So she started fading away into the background again.

When Sneaky Monkey and Angel Eyes were really sick with rotavirus and were hospitalized (Sneaky Monkey almost died that is how bad he got) I called my mom to let her know what was going on, her response, “Well, that is a great diet! How can I get that?” From then on, we have not spoken.

My father is still in and out of my life whenever he wants. I have given up on trying to be the family counselor for everyone, I have my own life to lead and I am happy without them. If they want to be part of my life – show me – don’t tell me is what I say.

So there you go, I was feeling guilt over this, not anymore – that was a load off!!!

What are you guilty of?


Lori says:

Wow! I’m glad that you don’t feel guilty for making the choice to seperate yourself from these toxic people. Sometimes, we have to make choices like this in regards to family because if we didn’t we would be no good for anyone.

You have been through a lot in your young life just as I have. Rape is painful and when it is by someone that you should be able to trust only makes it harder to deal with. I just want to give you a hug right now, from one rape survivor to another. We have some very simular histories so I understand more than you probally know. I do think that these things can have a good affect on us if we allow it to…meaning, not letting it make us bitter people, instead allowing it to make us better people, in the long run. Reading your blog and seeing the great person and mom that you are, I just want to say how proud I am of you. I hope you are proud of yourself!

In answer to what I have guilt about? Oh goodness, lots and lots because of my past…some because of things going on in the present…but, I am learning that a lot of my guilt or shame is false guilt. Guilt can be such an ugly thing because it can eat at us and our souls and steal our present happiness, all over things we can’t change because it’s in the past. I know the truth, that I have been forgiven but that ugly guilt still likes to trip me up once in awhile!

Great post and thanks for sharing something so personal.

Khadra says:

I feel guilty about everything and Im not Catholic or Jewish!! WTF?!

I dont speak to my parents, although I have tried and I send them pictures of my kids and I get nothing back. They have met 2 out of 4 of my children. At some point you just have to give up and realize no relationship is better than a bad one!

Sorry you have been through so much Krystal. I hope you know you are heart-ed very much in blog land 🙂

Please tell me your mother’s husband (the word father shouldn’t be sullied into a title for him) was arrested and punished. If not, lie and tell me that. There should be justice for that! You should have no guilt over how you’ve lived your life since I see a success story on how you rose above the crap and now live a life with a wonderful man and gorgeous kids. You’re linked and forgiven for stepping on an ant this morning! (The odds are pretty good that you did.. 🙂 )

captaindumbass says:

Thanks to something called cognitive disassociation I’m very good at burying things that may make me feel guilty. Unfortunately, every once in awhile that lid shakes loose and tries to kill me.

Speaking of killing… I know people who know people…

Jenni says:

Wow, Krystal, that is heavy. Good for you for getting away from your mom and step-dad, and good for you for trusting us enough to share what happened to you.

I mostly have mommy guilt and guilt over some of our life decisions. LIke, I wish we’d bought a cheaper house so we would have to struggle so much financially with me staying home.

I cannot think of words to say to you, none of them seem powerful enough, except I want you to know that I read the post and I am sorry that things have been so s**t for you. Your mother in law sounds nice. Oh and thank goodness you stayed with your then boyfriend :0)

Keely says:

Well don’t feel guilty about not telling people, that’s a LOT to tell! I’m sorry life dealt you that awful hand but it sounds like you have taken all the right steps to protect yourself. You’re an amazingly strong person!

Casey says:

Jeez Krystal, that must have feel good to get off of your chest! You have no reason to feel guilty for any of the stuff that happened and even more so for not wanting to share it. Those things are your personal business and until you felt comfortable sharing (which you did today!), you shouldn’t have felt guilty.

I think you and your husband have done such a great job raising and supporting your *huge* family and you landed on your feet even after the crappy hand you were dealt. You should be a motivational speaker or something… you’re impressive young lady. I can say young since I’m WAY older than you.

Jim @ IPR says:

Thank you for sharing that. No need to feel guilty for not telling though. I can completely see why you didn’t. Hopefully it felt good to get it out in the open.

Good for you for getting away and becoming the wonderful person that you are today 🙂

colepack says:

I am out of words….
My hat is off to you for posting that story. I bet it is a relief…….

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