Mommy’s Escape 6.0

{November 10, 2008}   Letter to my father

Okay, I am going to get serious here for a bit. I need to get this off of my chest before I explode…

Dear Dad,

I am writing this letter to tell you how glad I am that you called on your grand daughter’s birthday. It had been so long since we have spoken, I was glad to hear that you were okay.

The thing that bothered me at first was the fact that you did not remember it was her birthday. I know you are not good with dates but I have listed the dates to you on many occasions but yet, you always forget. I don’t know what I expected though because you always forgot my birthday or confused it with my brother’s.  Needless to say, I didn’t tell her you called because she would have been hurt that you forgot to say Happy Birthday. Wait a minute, no she wouldn’t have because she doesn’t even know who you are! You are so absent from her life that she only knows that she has a grandpa, but who he is – she doesn’t know. Don’t worry about it though – she is more than loved and spoiled by her step-grandpa so that makes up for an absentee grandfather (and don’t even mention about Hubby’s dad – you know he passed away so that does not count).

The thing that bothered me the most though was your “concern” for Little Man and his behavior at school. Where do you get off getting upset that he has been suspended 3 times already and that the school isn’t working hard to “manage” his behaviors? You have never been involved in his life and you never even cared to understand anything about his autism or who he is! You think that just by attempting to share in my anger over the school system and their treatment of him makes you a good grandfather? No, I am srry it does not!

A good grandfather is one that is there for his grandchildren and knows more about them than his own children. A good grandfather is one that calls more than twice a year to see how his grand children are doing and go out of his way to be there for them when they need him.

A phone call is nothing to these children that do not even know your face.

I have not even told you the best part – you have 3 additional grandchildren that you do not even know about! Yeah, that is right! THREE more!

I didn’t tell you because what good would it do? You have not been there for the oldest 3, what would make me think you would be there for the other 3?

All you do is sit there in your little island home away from the world just as you have been since I was 10 years old! You never gave a damn about me and no matter what I did or said, you never cared or never made the attempt to to be my father, why would you be different towards your grand children?

The thing that hurts the most though is the fact that the ones that are suffering in this are not me or you – it is the kids. They should be able to know about their grandfather and that they even have one but I didn’t make that choice, you did.

You cut yourself away from us and I just decided to take it further and make it easier on you.

Please do not call unless you actually want to be a part of our lives – I don’t think I can take it anymore.

First! And… wow. I feel so fortunate to have parents that are tuned in to my kids, and remember things like birthdays. Sigh. Here’s hoping things improve.

spriteskeeper says:

Thank GOD that your kids will never know that kind of father. Krystal, fortunately that ended with you.

Khadra says:

oh I understand this post very very well. Im glad you were able to get it off your chest. Maybe I can do the same someday. At this point I still have trouble speaking about some stuff.

Your children are very lucky to have you. And, although a grandfather is a wonderful thing to have, a toxic relationship with one is definitely not a good thing. Better to not have one at all.

Honey, I deal with the exact same thing on my husband’s side. It makes me so friggin angry! But I don’t have to tell you, because you already know how it feels. My husband’s father is a complete ass. He only lives a half hour away, yet he can never remember Logan’s birthday or even remember Christmas presents for them, for that matter. Yet we are always getting invited to his other son and daughter’s big life events – their graduations, baby showers, etc. I get so tired of our kids being second class!! I guess it is a little different because my kids have actually seen their grandfather a few times, but let me tell you, the anger is the same!!!

I’m sorry!

halfasgoodasyou says:

Wow, I think you just described my FIL. I’m so sorry your kids will never get to know your dad and that you have to deal with his crap. We stopped talking to my FIL for good when Elliot was born and it’s so sad to know that he’ll never know her and vice versa.

Krystal says:

Thanks to you all for understanding how sometimes we just have to let go!

Jim @ IPR says:

I’m sorry to hear about the situation. Sometimes it’s just better to cut all ties as hard as it is.

Oh honey, I’m so sorry. It’s heartbreaking that someone could be so self-involved. I’m truly so sorry. It’s one thing to feel that your own father was absent from your life, but to have that person absent from your children’s is almost more difficult to take. I am just heartbroken reading this. It’s so touching to me right now as I just suffered a difficult situation with my MIL that brought me to tears. Sometimes family stuff is so difficult and unfair. Aww….I hope you’re doing okay.

kirsty815 says:

You were very brave to post this, I’ve thought about doing something similar to my own father. He’s been absent in my life since I was a young girl. Part of me just wants to write everything I’ve ever wanted to say to him and the other part of me is afraid because I know he reads my blog and even though I’m an adult I still crave his approval isn’t that crazy?

Anyway, kudos to you for being so brave, it must’ve taken a load off your shoulders.


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