Mommy’s Escape 6.0

{November 28, 2008}   I will survive (but will they?)

I love my middle sons, I really do!!

This is something I continuously tell myself in order to avoid mental breakdowns that will leave me flapping my lips and my hairs springing out all over the place.

Why do I say this you may ask?

Well, what happened on Wednesday night is the reason why.

You see, after much needed Hubby and wife alone time, and I mean very much needed!! (I wasn’t about to begin resulting to other methods just yet) Hubby and I walked out of our room and noticed a very foul and stomach-turning odor.

We sniffed the air to follow where it came from.

It wasn’t the garbage in the kitchen which had table scraps in it and the remnants of 3 week old leftovers that remained in the fridge (yeah, when tupperware enters my fridge it is there for good or at least until I need to make space for the new leftovers but by then it is just a stink fest and I throw out the whole tupper ware bowl, food and all). I checked the laundry closet because Angel Eyes’s book bag came home with all kinds of T-day crafts and treats, including a stinky Publix bag of soiled clothes that his teacher washed off but I had to rewash and dry. She tried, honestly she did.

Where was I?

Oh yeah….no stink in there but within seconds I heard a scream louder than the Incredible Hulk’s yells coming from my husband who was in the hall way in front of Sneaky Monkey & Angel Eye’s bedroom.

I knew what it was without asking.

Something we had thought had gone away months ago and had been in the clear of. Something that sends shivers up anyone’s spine and a look like “What in heaven almighty could cause a child to do this?”

Yeah, it was the nasty. Poop!!! (What a way to end “quality time” I swear!)

Not just any kind of poop you see, it is that kind that is generated by a 4 year old who does not eat anything that firms up the stomach, only stage 3 baby foods because his oral sensory issues are so severe that he cannot tolerate most textures. That poop that is the pastiest of paste and has the most rotten of smells and when placed on walls stains them to a nice shade of orange no matter how much bleach you use.

Yes, it was everywhere and this time I really mean everywhere!! The walls, the floor, the door, the BOYS!! And to make it worse – the mattress that did not have any fitted sheet on it because the boys were so into being McGuyver that they found a way to remove it and bundle it up in the corner of the room to house their trains.

And it wasn’t like it was just on the surface that could have easily been wiped off and Febreezed to smell good. No way, that would be too easy!!

It was dug in to the core of the mattress, reaching the inner foam even! The carpet, hah! it wasn’t carpet anymore – it was dug through the roots and stitching. I am amazed it didn’t seep all the way through the carpet. Sneaky Monkey wanted to make sure that the memory of his brother’s illustrious bowel contribution to the room remained for years to come! (Yeah, he touched the nasty fecal matter that came out of his brother’s rear end, I am not even going to tell you what else he did with it, all I will say is that it involved a very thorough scrubbing with a wash cloth and a brand new toothbrush had to be thrown away, yeah so is my life!)

Well, Hubby attempted to do his best to maneuver through the room and placed the two stinkies in the shower while I gathered the once-thought-to-have-been-retired poop cleaning tools, lit a candle in prayer and went to work.

Needless to say, the mattress couldn’t be saved. It had breathed it’s last breath and it was a stinky one!

Where would the kids sleep you ask?

Well as you can recall me saying that my kids are spoiled – well, there was another full sized bed in the room that was spared the poopgonewild fiasco so we moved it from it’s location, platform and all, and placed it in the location of the aforementioned bed that was severely destroyed.

This little maneuver required alot of moving and vacuuming and grunting and fussing by my husband. Poor guy!

The damaged goods were cleaned up as best as possible and rested along the wall because it was too late to go throw them out (yeah, it was about 9:30pm when all this was done with).

The boys were dressed and thrown tucked into bed for a restful nights sleep.

The next morning as we began to clean up the house for the impending doom that isexpected company, I opened the door to their room and lo-and-behold, there was cardboard all over the floor! Not just any cardboard, the cardboard from the box spring that was also placed against the wall because it too was damaged by the poop. And the cardboard was in overall abundance and to make it worse, covered in slobber!! Darn kid cannot tolerate texture in his mouth but cardboard, drywall, and seat belts are just fine right?

Oh and to add insult to injury, Sneaky Monkey decided it was time to take off his own diaper and tore it off of himself and the wonderful diaper stuffing was EVERYWHERE!!!  and if any of you have had the joy of dealing with a busted diaper know that the crap that is inside a diaper (I mean the stuffing, not the actual crap) when it is wet is as sticky as gorilla glue and wet and nasty and sticks to carpet and you cannot get it out – not even a Dyson or a miele  will do the trick!

So again, another cleaning frenzy was ensued and all they could do was laugh and giggle and say “Hello Mommy!”

Oh man what would I give for a time machine to have been able to fast forward through the day!

But in the end, it all turned out okay but the question that lies in the back of my mind…

for how long?


{November 28, 2008}   Just shoot me!!

Most of you don’t know this but I returned to work. Yes I did and I am not proud of it.

But what kind of mom would I be if I didn’t sacrifice myself in order to make money so that when my children wake up on Christmas morning they do not feel like the paupers that they are and for one day (actually the whole fucking year!) feel like little spoiled rotten brats blessed angels.

Why do I want to get shot you ask?

Well, you all remember how yesterday was Thanksgiving and we all sat down around our dining room tables, trying not to find the quickest way to murder enjoying our families and saying thanks for all that we are thankful for while we reach for the wine bottles to drown out the pain and misery of this horrendous ordeal

Well, today I am back at work because of course my boss is expecting this giant influx of people to come rushing through our doors to go ahead and remodel their kitchens and bathrooms!

I can see it now, the people are lining up around the corner , fighting over the best parking spaces! Look, I even see a few celebrities that are crawling on their hands and knees for a unique one of a kind kitchen designed right here!!!

Oh wait!

nope, it’s just the wind blowing and the trees rustling as I watch the cars drive by our doors and on their way to the local malls.

Can I go home now?

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{November 26, 2008}   Oh come on! for real?

I have always been told that I am different but come on am I really that different?

Below are the exhibits – you be the judge and jury:

* My husband says I do not have a sense of humor because I do not laugh at all of the things he laughs at. In my defense, if it is not pee-in-your-pants funny, I rarely laugh!
* I have the worst attitude and shit-face, it’s true. I might be the happiest person in the world but I do not walk around with a smile on my face. My husband hates this about me because he always thinks there is something wrong and when he asks me if there is anything wrong I say no but yet my face still shows the sour-puss look of angst and anger.
* Am I the only female on this earth who has not used a dildo or never found the need for one? (I ask this only because I have seen multiple posts by some blogging friends (The Wise Young Mommy, Motherhood Uncensored; yes I so totally had to single you ladies out of course!) that dildos are commonplace in a woman’s side table drawer. I don’t have a side table with drawers and even if I did, I wouldn’t have anything to occupy it. I don’t see the need for it. HONESTLY! Is this weird?
*I am a mom of 6, nuff said! Actually not ’nuff said. Everywhere I go I get stopped and stared at. At other times I hear people say “Wow! She has 6 kids!” Hello!! I can hear you!!! Take a fucking picture! It will last longer!!
* I am the product of a biker and a banker. You would be shocked to see that my dad has hair longer than mine; looks like a cross between Barry Gibb & Willie Nelson; wears cut off jeans; rides a Harley. Hard to believe – I am just like him!!!! Except if you see me you would think not and I hate that fact because I hate who he is but the roar and rumble of a motorcycle calls to me and the thought of getting inked calls my name!!! (Still waiting to get my own bike until my kids are a bit older though and my tattoos – well, hopefully soon!!!)
* I actually don’t hate my body! I mean, I live in one of the county’s hot spots for plastic surgery and all I see are beautiful people around me and I don’t feel the need to be one of them. Yeah, I have a flat chest and a big ass and a set of watermelons could make me look proportionate but I don’t think I need em. If Hubby wants me to get them, that’s fine with me too but am I chomping at the bits to get them like most women my age? Nope
* I prefer a simple life even though by the way my life is, you would think I am anything but simple!
* I make it a point to change my attitude about, let’s say, 50 times a day but I still get upset very easily and my patience level is almost non-existent. Again, you wouldn’t think it because of how many kids I have.

I think that about sums me up, for now.

I dunno, I guess I am having one of those whacked-out-what the-fuck-is-wrong-with-me days.

Ever had one of those?

Welcome to mine!

Have fun! But don’t stay too long, some of my “weirdness” might rub off on you!

{November 25, 2008}   unbelievable and unforseen tragedy

Yes folks, I am admitting it here. An unforeseen tragedy has hit my home. I am at an extreme loss and I don’t know what to do.

What happened?

Please brace yourself…

My son, my Sneaky Monkey, my precious little precocious 3 year old…

Has. NO. ASS!!!!!!

Yes, that is right!!!! I don’t know how this could have happened!

I mean you would think that with a Puerto Rican father who was graciously called “bubble Butt” in high school because his rear end is so big and “perky” that it could actually hold drinks steady and a Cuban mom whose rear end has been compared to that of J-Lo in the Selena movies during her high school years the kid would have an ass and a nice one at that but he does not.

No matter what pants or shorts he wears they always fall down, even the elastic waist ones. There is nothing to hold them up!!! Not even the bulk of the diapers help because there is no bulk! There is nothing!!!

When he bends over all you see is the plumbers crack!!!

This is so horrible. All I can do is wonder what his future will hold.

Will he need to wear suspenders? Will he nead an implant?

Oh, the horror!

{November 24, 2008}   Clean Up on Aisle 7

Okay, we all know that we have these horrible experiences when we go holiday shopping and that does not even include the Black Friday fiasco’s.

In the spirit of the upcoming shopping tragedy that is Black Friday, I am asking all of you wonderful people to share your blog-worthy holiday shopping experiences.

Shout out from the roof tops how upset you were that you did not get that one cashmere sweater that you were eyeing for weeks because when you got run over walked in the store some other bitch well deserving woman snatched it from your not-so-death-like-grip arrived at it first. Or how about that time that you went for the traditional pictures with the Big Guy and your child accidentally peed or puked (your choice) all over Santa’s lap.

I want to post these all on Friday so that we all have something to laugh at during the hell that is Black Friday while some go out and shop and others unfortunately have to work.

So let it rip like cheesy wrapping paper done by the local girl scout troop at the mall and let it be good because remember, you don’t want a block of coal for the Holidays now do you? Well, do you? I didn’t think so!

{November 24, 2008}   Spin Cycle: Thankful

I don’t know if the awesomesauceness of Sprite’s Keeper wants us to get all mushy-gushy this time during the Spin Cycle (wouldn’t that defeat the purpose of the Spin Cycle? Isn’t the Spin Cycle on your washer machine supposed to get the water out and spin spin spin your clothes to an inch of it’s life to ensure proper drying and no drips onto the floor in transport to the dryer? No? Oh maybe that’s just my thought of it) ANYWAYS….

I actually have a lot to be thankful for this year and many of you are witness-so-to-speak to the largest part of it so I’ll start off there…

* I am thankful for the newest addition to my family. A happy, healthy, and lovely little girl who is the apple of her daddy’s eye; the joy in her sister’s heart; the doll for her oldest brother and the noisy thing in the corner of mommy’s room to her other 3 brothers. To her mommy, she is her little miracle and her Tiny Dancer.

* I am thankful that for the fist time in a long time it seems like I will actually have a some money during Christmas. Although we are struggling, I think that this year might be better than last year.

* I am thankful that we have been able to get all those items that we need for our family to make it and thrive as we have this year.

* I am thankful for all of the therapists that have come in to our lives this year after fighting and praying and searching for 2 years to get my children their much needed and underprovided therapies.

* I am thankful that I was able to throw away a large garbage bag of broken toys and “dead” toys yesterday and my children still have toy boxes full to the brim. This means that they are spoiled and don’t want for anything (of course for that occasional toy that we always give in to)

* I am thankful that my husband has stood by me through all of my attitudes, hormonal changes, bitch-fests, and so much more that I could not and still cannot blame on being pregnant because let’s face it, I’m just that bad.

* I am thankful for all of YOU my bloggy world friends. You do not judge or criticise me and I am not afraid to actually be myself here without fear of making a fool of myself.

* I am thankful for this whole experience because it has taught me more about myself and that I can change and be that  person that I want to be.

* I am thankful for second, third, fourth, and fifth chances at trying to improve myself

* Most of all, I am thankful that I have spent another year of my life with those people that matter most and those that have crossed my path in a negative way have walked into the darkness of the shadows while the good things stay in front of me in the light.

May all of you have a Happy Thanksgiving holiday full of love, joy, happiness, and most of all family!

{November 24, 2008}   Turtles, Pancakes, and Gas Oh My!

Yeah, now wouldn’t that have been a better rendition than the traditional “Lions, Tigers, & Bears, Oh My!”

Well, in a nut shell, that was what my Sunday was like.

You see, my wonderful turtle has been having some cosmetic issues with her shell for the past month or so and when I took her to the reptile expertat our local Aquarium/ Reptile place where I bought her, I was told that the peeling of her shell was normal because she will shed that layer of her shell like a snake sheds their skin because she is growing. Just to continue to add calcium to the water and all should be fine.

So I did as I was instructed but of course Hubby didn’t believe me when I told him that all was okay. I reiterated that the expert confirmed to me that all was okay.

Of course on Saturday hubby decided to take matters into his own hands, well actually the turtle in a box in his own hands, and go to see his friend at same store who is also a reptile expert who gave us the tragic news. She is infected!

What?!?! I was assured that she was fine and just growing. Well, apparently what Hubby’s friend said is that she has a really bad fungus growth that is eating away at her shell and she s going to die. She is healthy but she is going to die. Does something sound off with that?

The prognosis looked grim and to make matters worse, she has probably infected her mate as well because his shell is looking a bit on the brown side instead of the nice green and yellow it used to be. Ugh!!! hubby just told me that the best we could do is just throw them in the lake behind my house and let them live their days out there. Um – I don’t think so! I did not spend 50 bucks on turtles just to give up! There had to be something, there had to be a medication, a treatment, something to cure her!!!

(By the way, my current track record with “curing” animals is not so hot, so far it is 0 – 3–>fish)

There is a treatment we found out, known as a Sulfa Dip and we were told by Mr. Expert that we could try it but not to hold out hope because she looked too far along in this infection that it might not work.

I was not going to listen, I bought the treatment and planned on using it Sunday AM.

Well, as the sun rose Sunday morning, I cautiously prepared the Sulfa Dip solution and placed Sister Turtle in her little tub and Brother Turtle in his (don’t ask about the names, I didn’t name them, Princess and Little Man did). Then I began to prepare breakfast.

Little Man loves his pancakes so I began to whip up the batter and all the fixins. As he walked into the kitchen he asked me what I was doing. I told him making him his favorite breakfast and he smiled from ear to ear.

As I made him his coveted flap jacks, I called him over to get his plate and his eyes opened wide. I thought I had done such a fantastic job whipping up these golden round treats but that was not the reason.

He had seen what I was hiding behind me. Yes, the turtles!!!

There they were in their little Tupperware bowls in this solution that looked like chicken broth, just barely bobbing their little heads out of the water. They were strategically placed right next to the stove where I had all the ingredients for breakfast and the meat defrosting for dinner that night.


Me: Nothing, go eat your breakfast.


Me: (Laughing under my breath of course) These are not turtle pancakes silly, I am giving the turtles a bath.

LM: Why are you giving them a bath in the kitchen?

Me: Because it is easier here, go eat your food.

LM: Okay, but promise my turtles are okay.

Me: Of course they are.

He walks away happy with his little pancakes and sits down to watch TV.

He returns his plate as I am finishing placing the turtles back in their tank. He walks into the kitchen and sees the empty bowls and freaks out!


Me: (trying to get a rise out of him) I forgot!! I am sorry!! I accidentally cooked them in your last pancakes.

LM: (you should have seen the look on his face) WHAT?!?!?

Me: I am so sorry – but, how did it taste?


Me: That good huh?

Little Man ran off to tell his daddy I cooked his turtles in his pancakes.

That’ll show him for spilling my shampoo on the bathroom floor causing a nasty bruise on my rear end.

(No turtles were harmed during this episode of Mommy’s Escape 6.0. Little Man was notified shortly thereafter that the turtles were safe and in their tank when he ran into said tank in a rousing game of dodge-ball tag with his father).

{November 21, 2008}   Songs that just stay in your head

{November 21, 2008}   Reminders of my bloggy world

Today, the morning was a typical morning of dropping off the kids but everywhere I turned I was reminded of my bloggy world. So exciting.

The first thing that I was reminded of was the wonderful song that entranced the mind of the dear Captain Dumbass. I was driving along and one of the local radio stations was doing their usual Friday Morning Mix and in the mix his song was playing. I just smiled and bopped my head along thinking to myself, the Captain would really enjoy this!

As I continued to dance along in the car, I got this urge for coffee! I mean I needed it and BAD!! This made me think of the dear Casey who has been battling her own demons of Coffee Addiction. I walked into the Starbucks and breathed in a nice whiff of that aromatic smell and waited for Casey to walk in – of course she never did – she was at a Starbucks or Dunkin Donuts a few hours north of me. Oh well.

As I continued to drive on, I stopped at a stop light and saw parents dropping their children off at Day Care. This reminded me of how Jen spoke about Sprite and her separation routine at her own day care. Aww, children truly are little angels aren’t they?

As I neared my house, I was witness to a car accident. Nothing horrible, you know – just a typical fender bender but somehow it reminded me of the tragedy that is the Steenky Bee’s hair. How Jenbo has attempted to find different ways to tame the scene that she claims is horrific (honestly, I like all the curls, makes me kinda jealous because mine are less defined than hers).

Finally, as I pulled into my house, I realized the world that I would be walking into, knowing that like Kia‘s Little Man, my Little Man was already having a morning and not being in school for him today was not making it any easier. I say a little prayer before I turn the key and walk back into reality.

Hey Captain: This one is for you!

et cetera